I was a timid, anxious, angry and difficult child. I've always felt that the 'real me' was unlikable. I wouldn't tell anyone about my feelings because they'd reveal that I was a needy, insecure and unlovable child. It was embarrassing to me. Since four years old, I forced myself to be emotionally independent and move on.
Growing up, I've had long relationships but always sensed that something was missing. I wanted to do more with my life but did not know how to start. It was easier to just go through the motions of life.
Finally, I've had that "epidemic" breakup in my late-twenties. I was angry at how my-then boyfriend could let go so easily. I, too, desperately wanted to be like him; I wanted to learn how to let go and be happy. So I turned to the knowledge vault I knew. Books. I picked up a book on "Letting go of anger".
That was my first encounter with mindfulness. That Sunday afternoon, the sadness I felt from losing someone was finally manageable.
Since then, I focused on being meditative. It made me happier than I ever was in my entire life. I was slowly changing from an angry person to a happier person.
With mindfulness, I kept peeling down the layers of myself. I later discovered that my anxiety, anger, feeling of emptiness, avoidance from emotional closeness and intimacy with other people, are the effects of an emotionally-neglected childhood.
I finally understood why I was unable to thrive before. I wasn't my true self. I was only an effect of my surroundings and environment. Since I was four.
This time, I started like a child again, redefining and rediscovering everything I know, with a clean slate of mind. It was liberating. I realised that I did not have to define who I am, not with personality tests, who I thought I am, etc. I am no longer a constant.
Then my health took a downturn. I've had severe insomnia. My back was misaligned, and my heartbeat felt strange but looked normal in medical scans. A doctor advised me to see a psychologist because she thought I conjured these conditions.
This helplessness took me to the brink of depression. I experienced first-hand that the body condition plays a big part in mental health. I realised, in order to be happy, our body must be happy too.
I taught myself scraping massage (gua sha). I eventually slept so well that I could spring out of bed the next morning automatically.
To correct my back, I had acupuncture sessions and learnt strength-conditioning exercises from a physiologist. I experimented with different stretches and self-taught myself acupoint massages that could free me from body aches.
But I still had irritable bowel syndrome, gastric and cholesterol issues. A friend briefly introduced me to the ketogenic diet. I was so shocked that this diet could reverse cancer and diabetes. I later read dozens of books on nutrition.
I found out that everything I knew about food was a myth. So I went keto and food-prepped for a year. It was life-changing; within 3 to 6 months, my irritable bowel syndrome (IBS), gastric issues and even my astigmatism disappeared. I became healthier and stronger than in my younger days.
I've spent years taking care of my well-being through natural foods, exercises and cultivating healing perceptions for the mind. Little by little, I've changed my life. I wasn't stuck anymore. Now, I aspire to share my knowledge so people can learn how feel at peace, have energy to do what they love and be happy.
I believe this is my purpose in life.